TW: Abuse. Sex.
When I was a young girl, things were as normal as can be.
I had both of my parents, most of the time. When I was three, my maternal grandmother came to live with us. I lived with an older sister and a younger brother. I had two other older sisters and one older brother who did not grow up with us.
I had a dog, a cat, and two fish. We caught a parrot who we adopted when no one claimed it.
We had friends through the neighborhood.
I grew up listening to what I thought was the truth. Mostly that the Catholic religion is the correct one. I started disagreeing with that when I was 8. That anyone who wasn’t white was not good enough. I first disagreed with that when I was 6. Also, that I am not good enough. I am still on the fence on the last one.
My sister tried to get me to ally with her to gang up on my brother. When she found she could not sway me, she got my brother involved. Every day was near constant torture. I knew that as soon as one of my parents back’s were turned that the pain would start.
I used to hide. They could not find me. I would crawl through the bushes around the houses of the neighborhood until they passed. If I was not fast enough, or silent enough they would catch me. Sometimes this would mean that I would have to complete an embarrassing task. For example: I would have to ‘moon’ a passing vehicle, or admit that someone was better than me at something, like [name] is so much better than me; they can run faster and I am slow; they are so much smarter than I am, I can not even [do some higher learning that they have covered and I have not].
Other times when caught, they would not let me escape the pain. She would hold me on the ground and hit me. Knees in my arms, feet on my legs, and her fists on my face. She was careful not to bruise me. She tried her best not to leave evidence behind. Sometimes she would hold me under water in the pool until I could feel the water creep into my lungs.
One night, after watching child’s play (I was 5), she grabbed a chucky doll and made a noose. I woke to it spinning on my fan. The closet door creaked open and I inhaled- ready to scream, when an arm reached out from under my bed and covered my mouth. I screamed anyway and found a pillow coming to cover my face. I do not remember what happened next.
When I was 4, my brother 3 and my sister 10, she took us on a walk around the neighborhood. We went to a part I had never seen before. She told us we were lost. We had to grow up without our parents or any other family. Also, because our garden was gone, we had to be cannibals. I was what they were going to eat because I was the second biggest. She rationalized it as the fact she was older and smarter, and my brother was not enough food.
Sometimes she would catch me alone and make me do things to her like lick her toes or suck on her neck. This is the first time I have admitted to that.
She told me no one would ever love me. She did this at least once a week until she went to college. Then it was down to once every other month.
I believed her.
To prove my worth, I started sexual relationships at a very young age. To a twelve year old sex = love. My first time included me sneaking a boy into my room, lighting some candles and fumbling around to the neon ballroom album. I kept doing similar things with the same boy until I was 18. Sometimes it would be the two of us. Sometimes we would bring someone else in. Sometimes we would go off on our own. By the time I was 16, I had already slept with 9 different men and 3 women.
This whole time I continued to feel worthless. I did not know why.
When I was seventeen, I was involved in something of an orgy. or a train. It depends. I was not sober enough to know what to call it. That is a story for another time.